“The Library”

Two looming towering doors, stretched as high as the eye can see, though the eye that sees is contained within the small skull of that of a human.  Two of which belong to the human, that is.  Wider than the arms lengths of the human, the doors seem impossible to open, beyond the sturdiest material that time and weather seem unable to leave neither trace nor evidence of existence on the doors.  No handles or knobs are visible, and no way to open nor close that which stands before me.  Yes, I am the human that stands before the two doors, which exclude me from the treasures and secrets of that which lies beyond these doors.  A foreboding presence leaves me gasping and panting, the desire to enter and see what it was that laid enclosed overwhelmed me.  And so, as I lifted a hand to touch the door, it opened.

 

A figure greeted me.  Note, I named this being a ‘figure’ due to the strange apparel and lack of form it possessed.  It wasn’t light nor smell that perceived it’s aura, but more a strange tingle that ran through my body, from head to toe, like the sensation one feels when nails scrape against a chalk board.  But it bowed, nonetheless, and spoke in a way where the voice entered my mind.  “Greetings,” it said, “I will be assisting you today.  You may call me the Librarian.”  Looking past the Librarian, I noticed row upon row of shelves, all of which were covered and overflowing with volumes that seemed to run out of space.  “Follow me and I will show you all there is to see,” the Librarian adds, ushering me in, towards the center of the building. 

 

I followed the Librarian, for it seemed wise and as soon as I stepped past the doors, they closed behind me.  A resounding thud only I seemed to hear, but the Librarian made no reaction to the sound, and as if able to read my thoughts, the Librarian replied, “It is quite rare for someone so young, as you, would come to seek knowledge here.  It is most common for great thinkers and the elder philosophers to come in and look for reference.  If there is a specific topic you’re looking for, I will be able to help you better.”  There is a moment where my mind seems to be taken off guard by the books that whispered all around me, though non coherent, but all quite strong in their desire to be taken off the shelves.  “No?  Well then, we can go through them all, if you like,” the Librarian offers and begins to lead me away again, this time, I follow at a slight distance.  There is no need to hurry in this place, for it seemed that time didn’t exist.  Nothing was solid.

 

“Here is where you can find references on love, all the romances and great love stories in history are published in this section,” the Librarian comments, breaking through my reverie.  I turn to look up as thick volumes chatter happily and sweetly above me, their comments and desires like pink puffs of smoke, dancing above, around, through, and beneath me.  Instead of the smoke being the intangible, it seemed as if I were what it was to me.  It tried to grab me, to take hold of me and reel me in, but it caught nothing.  “Open one, if you wish.  Let me know if it fits what you’re looking for,” the Librarian suggests.  And so, taking the Librarian’s advice, I reach out and take one off of the bookshelf.  The weight surprised me, for it were as if picking up a child, and holding them in my arms.  And when I opened the book, the smoke became a tangible rope that locked my hands to the covers.  And as I looked onto the page, the words jumped out at me, becoming a voice that shook me to the core, narrating in a booming voice of a tales of tails and water’s asunder bringing lighting and thunder all around me.  And as I felt the nauseating sensation of disgust, the Librarian joined me, peering into the book.  “A tale of a young woman who befriends an overly hairy lion, yes, a classic in the World of the Fallen.”

 

I close the book, willing all my might as I do so, and when the book is closed, the rope that bound me, which had also burned me, released me and became smoke, once again, floating around, as if trying to catch me.  But I replace the volume onto the shelf and notice the inscription on the binding, familiarity catches my eye and the Librarian adds, “Yes, in the World of the Fallen, ‘Beauty and the Beast’ is quite popular, is it not?”  As we continue, I notice more and more titles which reminds me of my younger years, spent in front of the television, mesmerized by the figures on the screen, giving me temporary delight, filling my head with dreams and setting me up for the crushing blow of reality in the years to come.  But as I passed that section, the Librarian stops again.  The books that lay before me are old and ragged, their covers old and unused by the looks of it.  “This is the Biography of the Living, one of the rarest collections and still going, as you can see, new volumes arrive every day, and the section is rarely quite.”  Thud.

 

I look up and watch as thousands of books fall from an overhead something.  Being too high and out of my line of vision, all I see are books that fall from above, towards me.  And as I reach up to cover my head, they stop before reaching me.  And in an instant, the shelves rearrange themselves, many moving to make room as other volumes with new titles enter the collection.  For the new issues of older volumes, they seem to simply slide into where the old volumes sat, pushing the older volumes back, though to where, I knew not.  “It’s a simple system and works quite well.  But always is being updated, thus, we shall move on,” the Librarian adds, continuing down another path.  And I followed, amazed by the unending shower of books.

 

A small light catches my eye and I stop.  Turning towards the light, I follow it, unsure of what may befall me once I reached its source.  But when I reached it, I noticed it was meant to light up a small switch that remained “off”.  And, impulsively, I flipped the switch and lights from above, showered sight before me and the world took color and form, though not in the way I saw things outside of this building.  And as I looked up, I noticed a sign.  Before I could finish reading it, the Librarian, from behind, read and explained it to me.  “Wall of Religion, yes that is a popular topic.  Ranging from all different ideas, thinkings, rituals, ceremonies, cultures, and so forth.  Yes, this is the most visited section of this library.”

 

Ah, I see.  I was in a library.  My eyes traveled along the shelves, noting the strange carvings on some books, unable to differentiate the meanings and differences between the books that sat before me.  The Librarian, begins to move, and so I follow.  “We have collected all of the religions pertaining to the World of the Fallen.  From Wicca to Buddhism, Animism to Muslim, we have it all.  Here, the volumes are complete and constantly being updated, for all on the outside of these walls, still are restricted to time, and time has a way of thwarting and warping past traditions.”  And, as the books had fallen in the Biography aisle, once in a while, a book would fall and be filed away under the category in which it belonged.  And this happened time and time again. 

 

I felt a chuckle as I watched books fluttering into the sections marked, “Catholocism”, “Muslim”, and “Buddhism”, but found my focus locked on a section where no books fell, in fact, looked quite out of place.  Compared to the books that fluttered to the other sections, this one was old and, seemingly, untouched.  The letters on the binding were gold, and as I neared, I knew what it read before reading it.  “Ah yes,” the Librarian comments, noting my attention, “the Bible.  That one is one of the least popular books in this library.”

 

“Why?” I ask, unable to stop the word that bubbled to the surface of my mind.

 

The Librarian hesitates for a moment before replying, “Because it never changes.”  The Librarian motions to the fluttering books and rows of bookshelves, continuing, “Despite it being the foundation by which all the other books were created, as soon as one thing is subtracted, added, or changed, it becomes something else.  But the Bible, that is the only book in this library that never needs to be updated, for it never changes.”

 

My eyes focus on the single book in the library that is the least popular and I find myself yearning to pull it from the shelf and hold it close to my chest.  The only book that offers warmth and comfort, and stability. 

 

“I’m sorry, but the library must close now,” the Librarian states and leads me to the door.

 

“Can I come back tomorrow?” I ask, my thoughts swimming as a new excitement pulses through me.

 

“Possibly,” the Librarian replies, “though I haven’t discovered what you were looking for.”

 

I stop at the door, looking out to see nothing, but turning back to see everything.  “I want to come back tomorrow,” I state, my eyes becoming clearer, despite the fading of the overhead light from within the building. 

 

The Librarian replies, “Why do you find the need to travel so far to seek that which is always with you?  Perhaps it is why humans spend most of their lives wasted on what doesn’t matter when what really matters has been with them, calling to them, the entire time?”

 

“What?  What’s always with me?” I ask, now, unable to see anything but the Librarian, which stands before me, and I, a mere silhouette in the doorway.

 

The Librarian replies, “All the answers you seek are at your fingertips, and you insist on taking the long way to figure things out.  You may be in the image of the Supervisor, but you’re a long way off from the way He thinks.”

 

“Who?” I ask, unable to step forward, for my feet seem locked to their place.  The doorway around me appears to back up, passing me, as I, incapable of moving, try to stop it. 

 

Alas, my efforts are futile and I watch as the doors are, once again, in front of me, slowly swinging shut.  “Open your eyes and take hold of the dreams He gave you.  Don’t waste another moment, child.  Maranatha!” the Librarian adds as the doors shut, closing me out.  Blocking me from the wonders and treasures that lay within, on the other side of the door.  But I am powerless to open the door, and so, I relent, remaining standing where I had been standing.  The Librarian’s reply, the last words I hear, echo in my mind.

 

‘My eyes are open, but nothing lies at my fingertips,’ I think to myself.  But as I reach into my backpack, which had been on my back the entire time, I am surprised though, not, to pull out my compact Bible.  The very object of my fascination moments earlier that offered me everything I sought had been with me the entire time.  And yet, I was thankful to see the library and speak with the Librarian, but decided to not visit again any time soon, for I had all I needed with me.  And forever, it will be.

wake up. (10 commandments)

fully expressed… 10 to 1…

don’t look and lust after the life of another, comparing your own selfishness to theirs, in turn, asking for more of which you do not need nor should you seek…

don’t tell stories because you think your life is boring, or you seek to entertain that which hadn’t any need in the beginning, which plunges you even further away from my favor and ways…

don’t feel the ability nor right to take all you please, thinking i would turn a blind eye on you, thinking i cannot SEE that which i saw from the beginning and still chose to call you mine…

don’t lie with your tongue about lying with someone else’s soul mate, it don’t matter whether it was voluntary nor forced… after the deed is done, there is no returning the part of the soul in which you stole…

don’t, ever, think you have the right to take which i gave you so easily and freely… a gift, the simple gift of life i created and crated into each container, pulling out my pen, i wrote out accomplishments, plans, and victories, and yet, you steal it from mankind by taking what you want with what you have, which is what i, also, wrote for you…

don’t talk back or fight with the authority i placed over you… if you choose to rebel against that which i prayed and breathed into existence to help and educate your young mind, why should i continue to give they way i do, even now?

don’t tell me you were too busy to do what i did on the 7th day of the first week of life… that you had too much on your mind and it slipped from memory, for it is just as easy for you to slip from my memory, and yet, i work hard to remember you, because of the love i have for you that you vowed to me, though live through none of it daily… 

don’t seek me, telling me your desires and complaints and as i turn to you to solve your problems, back out and brush me aside… every time you call out my name, the only holy  name ever in all time, i find a string of profanity cradling my very essence, because you ‘accidentally’ let it slip out, again…

don’t make nor break anything that which you may hold above me… i held you and above all else, loved you, my creation, and yet, you thank me by serving and bowing to what i gave you, in hopes of gaining your favor… you chose to crucify the righteousness gained through a selfless act, dirtying yourself with the slave names of the sinners…

don’t laugh with the wicked, ally with the wicked, and return to my side, asking for, yet, another chance to prove your loyalty to me.  when your breath is rank with filth, your skin caked with poison, i offered you, time and time again, another chance… and you’ve returned to the enemy, time and time again… always to bounce between the two…

 

i know your path… i wrote it… but i gave you choice… and now, as you walk your path, separate from me… know this… “it is by choice, i gave life… and by choice, i take it.” you do not control your destiny… you cannot control where your destination is… you only control the steering wheel of that vehicle… i control the road and the final destination.  BECAUSE I AM THAT I AM.

 

~ a holy revelation… from God… to me. ~ 

A Blessed Lesson

Isaiah 1:17 NKJV – “Learn to do good; seek justice, rebuke the oppressor, defend the fatherless, plead for the widow.”

Good Morning LA!

Strange… when I found out the possibilities of going to Hong Kong for work and etc. fell through, I had the mix emotions to cry or to laugh.  Let me explain myself more in depth.

I would enjoy a good laugh because I would be happy I wasn’t leaving all of my friends here, HOC, and non-HOC to take up roots in HK, a busy and crowded place.  I would continue working at visuals and remain at my post for some time.  I would apply for jobs and eventually find the one God had in store for me all this time.  It would be a beautiful thing.

I wanted to cry because I longed for the change.  I feel as though my life is currently at a stand still where I am unable to do anything really and just wanted to cry because I’m so stuck.  The change would offer new perspectives and views that would enhance my writing abilities, both in articles and story wise.  This was the thing that would push my skills up another notch and would connect me with the art scene more directly, working under a graphic designer for Techart.  It would be quite the experience and quite A LOT to look forward to.  It was the stepping stone to starting the career I wanted and looked forward to.

Let’s face it.  This trip would be all about Me getting what I wanted and looked forward to starting.  Thus, it died.  My views changed and now… Well, last night, I was quite stuck, but my renewed love and devotion to God brought me back to the basics.  So, as I read the verse above, I felt happier and more determined.  Now, I’m applying for World Vision and other foundations which will REALLY make a difference… and carry out God’s will…

Praise the Lord!

rolling out…

when i was small, when someone asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up, i said “an artist”… the truth was simple… i enjoyed art… i loved drawing and creating, and media was my most moldable tool… =)

when i was in the 4th grade, someone asked what i wanted to be when i grew up and i said, “a detective”… the truth was simple… i enjoyed figuring stuff out and being put to my limit… somehow, the dangerous path excited and attracted me…

when i was in high school, someone asked what i wanted to become when i got older and i said, “a feature film director”… the truth was as simple as it was in the beginning… in movies, i created roles and shot them according to how i saw them in my mind… it was perfect!

when it came time to choose a major in college, my mother recommended history so i took it… i actually thought, “oh well, i can change it later…” but it stuck… and i graduated college with a BA in history… which had NOTHING to do with what i wanted to become from all those years back… but i followed the path laid out before me… and when i started asking questions, it was too late but i squeezed in a minor in film and visual culture… just because it felt right…

summer swung by in a flash and when it came time for grad school… God said “no.”  … it was simple and short… i had originally intended to attend cal poly pomona and become a teacher… but because my heart and mind wasn’t into it, i confronted my fears and my parents by letting them know that i was dropping out of school because “God said no.” … and like that, i thought my life was over…

it’s funny how God continues to grow His children… during the summer, originally, i was supposed to spend it in Hong Kong working under the graphic designer of Techart… but i disappointed several and didn’t go… but my dad let me know that the position was still open and he would love it if i went to HK for 2 years to work under her still…

so, after prayer and thinking, i accepted the position.

Dear Brothers and Sister in Christ;

I understand that my decision may be a shock to some of you, but please know that I need to go.  The environment I live in at home is great, but it’s my ultimate comfort zone.  I’m pampered, spoiled, and coddled.  And in the past four years, I’ve changed the least though I ought to have changed the most.

So, within the next four weeks, I will be making my move to Hong Kong.  I plan to stay for two years, visiting home occasionally and I know that God is planning to grow me.  And I am thankful for your love and support, but this is something I have to do, so please understand and respect my decision.

Perhaps it may seem a shock to some of you who know me better, but this was a decision that God made for me and, because I trust Him, you should too.  I know it’s a huge decision to move across the world for two years, but it’s the best option I have.  If you know me, you know that my policy is to chase your dreams as long as it’s whatever God wills, so please, allow me to do the same for myself as I have encouraged you time and time again.

I will miss everyone greatly.  Each person that I’ve told so far either had tears in their eyes or explosive responses, or both.  And trust me when I say, thank you, because I know that’s how you show your love and care for me.  Today, while sitting in HoC, I realized how crazy my decision was, and how great God’s plan is.  Seated with the body, laughing and talking with the body, praising and singing with the body, running visuals, and etc., it’s all been a dream and a honor to serve you all.

I hope to hear from you all about your days and special events.  Take plenty pictures and video clips.  I’ll check youtube.com and facebook for news on you guys… hahaha!  And for those of you who keep second guessing me, it’s okay.  It’s not set in stone that I’m leaving in a month, but it’s pretty muchly set in mud.  Haha, yeah.  Please know that this is what I want to do and am willing to do.  Like a tree, I need to grow.

Again, thank you for everything up till now.  This move isn’t just for my good, but also for my family’s good.  Up until now, my father has been alone in China.  When I go over, I’m hoping to rebuild my relationship with him.  After all, Pastor Jay told us to forgive those we felt unable to, right?  This is my first step towards reconciliation.  Pray for me, please!

More news to come in the future.  And lastly, I’m sorry for attempting to keep this from you.  Honestly, I was planning not to tell anyone anything until two weeks before my departure.  But, in light of recent opinions, here it is.  My decisions, my plans, my moves, my timings, and my reasons.  I open up myself and allow you to view me as you will, criticize me or correct me, but God’s plan is made; I only follow it.  I can only hope you understand and support me.

with Love in Christ,
Tiffany R. Chai
(Tiffrz)

p.s. COME TO SEPTEMBER IGNITE! more info: www.xanga.com/hoc <check it out!!!

recurring dreams…

as i lay asleep, the same dream comes to me…

in a certain town, there is a red bricked house where someone lays in bed, almost dead.  i watch as the doctor comes and leaves, shaking his head.  the mother seems paler than usual and unwilling to let me in to visit.  but there is a day when several others go to visit and the front door is open.  the looming, scary, mysterious insides frighten me, but i enter anyways to find several walking up the stairs, and down again after visiting a room.  when the last person had left, the mother stares at me, not wanting me to see.  i finally fall onto my knees, begging her to see her dying son.  the sister asks on my behalf as well and the mother grants permission.  i follow the sister up and she says, “don’t blame me, you are the one who asked to see him…” but i don’t care.  we walk through flies and other winged bugs and get to the room.

on the bed, a young man lays, staring out the sunny window.  i stare at him openly and, though i want to go sit down next to him and embrace him, i can’t get myself to.  he sees me and smiles, his usual charming smile.  at that point, i cover my mouth and tears roll down my cheeks.  He reaches out and whispers, “remember that time we went to Wal-mart…?”

the memory is clear to me.  we had walked into wal-mart to grab yummies and as we reached the scrap-booking aisle i was staring at a couple happily married in the window of a book.  he turns his, then, bright blue-green eyes on me and smiles, “one day? maybe?” and i blush and roll the cart away.  in another aisle, i reply, “it’s easier said than done.  you know that means we have to both work hard to live that long?” and he nods, “course i know that… i’m working at it already…” but something gnaws within me… so i rebuttle, “do you really even know what it means?” and he stops, staring at the puzzles, “it means i want to be with you until i die.” he then reaches over and hugs me in a way i know his words are true… and my arms slowly drift around him… i could have kissed him, but he knew my rules and respected them… but his words stuck with me…

his then bright eyes are a fierce shade of blue due to the white shirt he wears.  his dirty-blond hair is darker than i had remembered it ever being.  his sun-tanned skin is now pale and he looks sickly.  his lips are a pale pink as well, but i wanted just one kiss.  but when i saw his weakness and the limp fingers, i just covered my mouth and ran out of the room, down the stairs, and into the kitchen where i hid to cry.  the sister didn’t follow me, so i didn’t know what was going on up there, whether he was mad that i had gone to see him or happy was beyond me.  the mother, however, waited for me to finish sobbing and asked me to join her in the other room, where she sat me down and explained several things to me.  things i understood, knew, and didn’t understand as well.  i felt pain, anger, and sadness over and over again, and i cried over, and over again.

i usually wake up here.  there is a long time of me just remembering it over and over again… until my brain will allow the memory to continue, as i watch it, eyes open, but not seeing anything… just the reel inside my mind…

i walk up to the room after a while and sit next to him, holding his hand.  he smiles a little, but his eyes are distant.  he falls asleep and wakes up again.  the light behind his eyes grow dimmer and dimmer.  i know what is happening, and am torn.  i don’t want him to leave me behind, but i don’t want him i pain to stay alive.  i want him to keep his promise to me, but i don’t want to hold him back from heaven…  and in the last moments, before i must leave his side, i lean down to kiss his cheek, whispering, “because i love you, i’ll let you go…”  i left the house, tears dripping down my face.  my thoughts wandered to the kitchen, where the mother cooked a small meal.  my thoughts wandered to the other room, where the sister sat, playing the piano.  my thoughts traveled through the bricked house, up the stairs, and into the room where the one i loved was dying…  i sat at home, next to the phone, ready to receive every and any news there may have been. 

in the morning, i went to the bricked house.  the door was unlocked, so i just walked in.  the mother begged me not to go in, but i did.  the sister stopped me at the door, but i walked through her… i stared at him… he looked up at me… but his hand didn’t reach out… he looked paler, and the eyes i remembered left no print anymore… he looked up and whispered, “remember that time we went to Wal-mart?…”  i nod and tears fall down his cheeks, as they do mine.  i stay by him for as long as i can, before i am wrenched from his side, trying to keep his his cold, dead, hands warm in mine…

[The above story isn't real... it's just a dream manipulating a memory of a similar event... the dream contains my 'coulda, shoulda, wouldas, but didn'ts'... i was not by his side when he died... i didn't have the chance... there was no kiss, but there was the conversation with the mother and sister... there was the visit to the house, but an empty bed... there was the emotions, but inability to show it... there were the words, but all that was said was in my head and the message he left behind when we talked on the phone, seconds before his death... and the wal-mart visit was real... as were the words spoken between us... but the promise was never kept.]

r.i.p. Scott Hemmings (6.12.83 – 11.11.2002)

*treasure those you love and love those you treasure while you can… at one point in time, you have to let them go… so don’t have any regrets.*