don’t you?

don’t you hate it when you buy all the food you are told to buy and the people you buy it for backs out after right after the final signature is signed?

don’t you hate it when the world is on the other side of the window pane and regardless of what you do, the invisible divider remains in tact and separating?

don’t you hate it when life comes at you fast, and regardless of how fast you run, you just can’t keep up?

don’t you hate it when people make appointments to meet up with you, but in the end, EVERYONE arrives and steals the moments away from you?

don’t you hate it when those with authority treat you very muchly below them, making it almost impossible to do anything that may uplift yourself?

don’t you hate it when everyone changes their mind and hang out somewhere else, forgetting to contact you and let you know of the changes?

don’t you hate it when all the planning is left to you, and even after planning an event, only half the invited people show up, and they don’t even hang out with you anyway?

don’t you hate it when you create and slave over your passions, and yet in the end there is nothing you can do to reach your goals and no one is willing to help you get there?

don’t you hate it when people lie to your face and tell you everything they “think” you want to hear, when really, they lie all the while?

don’t you hate it when your open your heart and others simply use your wallet to expose and achieve their own selfish goals?

don’t you hate it when you buy a complete pie, only to have it eaten by someone else?

don’t you hate it when you try to tell your body to be happy, and yet the only emotion you’re able to feel is depression?

don’t you hate it when you’re sitting next to your favorite people in the world, and they don’t even recognize your existence?

don’t you hate it when everyone refers to you as a color, nothing more and nothing less?

don’t you hate it when everyone picks on ONE thing you like, blow it up, and label you for the rest of your life?

don’t you hate it when out of generosity and love, you pick up the tab… only to NEVER have anyone return the gesture to you?

don’t you hate it when someone likes your things more than they like you?

don’t you hate it when there are no words to describe the inner turmoil of your broken heart?

don’t you hate it… when satan gets your eyes all on you and all your negative emotions are blow up so much, the world isn’t separating you from them, but you’re separating yourself from them? … and no matter how much or long you shed tears, the world flows by without you, unnoticing you… regardless of what you do…

And then a hand is outstretched to you.

The foolish would wallow in self-pity, eyes on themselves.

The wise would forgive those who hurt you unintentionally, and join the crowd, holding tightly to the hope the outstretched hand had given you.

What would you do?  In fact… What Would Jesus Do?

… you know… don’t you?

~ words of a defeated saved soul ~

am i necessary?

i feel hopeless.

do i really have a purpose? am i even necessary?

why does everyone around me make me feel so useless all the time?

“tiffany, you can’t plan.” “tiffany, you’re too loud.” “tiffany you’re too tall.” “tiffany, you talk too much.” “tiffany, you dream too much.”

is it so hard to encourage others these days?!  what the freak is everyone’s problem?!?!?! i’m so tired of it all! im so tired of living.

damned tired ~ tiff

golly… talk bout irritating…

rite… sooooo i planned out today because i was under the impression i could and that becca would chill… and here was today’s plan…

1-3 :: tea time with girls
3-6 :: baseball at thomas burton
6-8 :: dinner with homies
8-10 :: hanging out… etc…

but she decided to make her own plans, thus my plans are erased. not only that, she accused me of never telling her a thing and a bad planner… i guess surprise and fun, not to mention spontenaity just isn’t in her vocabulary… now im mad and in my room, brooding…

why is it my family hurts me the most?! how does that work?!

im nervous…

what if i do something wrong?
will they still listen to my small voice?
what if i don’t know what to say?
i am only one person… right?
what if i miss an opportunity to speak out?
will they just see me as a horrible testimony for God?
what if i never get an opportunity to share about God?
am i willing to accept that my family will go to hell… because of me…

if i choose to keep silent, will they see YOU in me?
what if they reject you? will it be my fault?
if i choose to let things go and not cling, will YOU work the wonders?
can i trust YOU with my everything?

these people… they are my everything… they are the core of who i am… they helped shape who i am today… i have a bit of them within me… and it’s because of their love, that i’m alive today…

so… tiffany… are you willing to let them go to hell because you are a scaredy-cat?  will you let everyone who loves you go to hell because of your fear?

thu-thump… thu-thump… thu-thump… thu-thump… thu-thump…

hell, no.  heaven, yes.

please pray for me… if you chance this message during march 19-28, PLEASE SAY A PRAYER FOR ME… esp. if you know how it feels to love your family though they know not Christ…

i need your prayers!
im scared…
i need your support!
im really scared…
i need your hope and faith!
i must save them…
i need your encouragements!
you must help me…

plz… help me… Lord, help me… plz…
they matter too much for me to let go…

what then?

i can walk around and pretend nothing’s going on… but there actually is something going on without my knowledge that peeves me when i find out… it’s no longer a surprise to me… but it weighs heavier and heavier… all the blame is on me… all the anger and betrayal has been focused onto me… the actions of those of authority over me have allowed others to pin the blame to me… so i wear it and carry it around… no one knows how i feel… no one can imagine how i feel… compared to Christ’s burden, it’s nothing… but i’m not God… and i can crumble under pressure… and now, i feel it… everyday… when i wake up, i can feel it weighing me down…

i can’t commit to anything… my fingers slip off everything i try to cling to… it’s dragging me down… and i need help… but no one hears me… they blame me… but don’t help me… the current’s too strong… the hate is too heavy… i’m giving out… i can’t handle it anymore… it’s unbearable…

so what happens when i leave? what happens when i walk away?

what then?

holla back!

if you’re interested in working on a short movie, student produced, with hand held cameras, young people, and a big goal… please contact me asap! i’m looking for a group of thinkers, crew, and extras!  email me asap!  production starts mid-December!

~ t ~

blah

terribly disappointed… sad… not sure why and where…

do i even belong at hoc? everything has changed… everyone is so different…

am i alone on this limb? this dream? thisgift?

am i being called out of hoc?

am i?